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WISDOM FROM THE KENNEL
A Sonnet Written for Me by My Mistress
|SONNET FOR STRIDER|
(A Chocolate Labrador Retriever)
|From nose to velvet ears to proud tail-tip,
In one hue, teddy bear-like, you're arrayed:
Sans argument, you are (even your lip)
The brownest thing that God has ever made.
Your artlessness -- (we see you wondering now,
"Why doodle with a poem, when we could play?") --
Is what we cherish best; or is it how
You kneel (almost) between us when we pray?
No dog, we're sure, is set so large a chore
Of ministering with tireless tongue to eyes
Thus long bemused by tears; O surely your
Glad faith with ours to its reward must rise.
And our one flesh will laugh to see you stride
More golden streets than these still at our side.
|--© 1990 by Angelee Sailer Anderson|
(previously published in The Mythic Circle #15)
(To read more about my mistress' writing, visit her page, "Everywhere there were morning glories.")
A Partial List of My Nicknames
- Labradorium Puppus Dogit (dog pseudo-Latin)
- Canis Fuscus (genuine Latin for "brown dog")
- Do-Do (because I don't care what, I just like to do)
- Boo-Boo (my master and mistress have a theory that all dog owners call their dogs this)
- Barge-dog (because I barge into everything)
- Bonk-a-do (because I bonk everyone)
- Chew-Chew Train (when I itch)
- Bro (my little-master Gawain's name for me)
- Very Dog of Very Dog (from the Canine Creed)
- St. Rider
- Platonic Archetype of Brownness
- Brownness Caninified
- Musseltov Dogtail
- Roo-Do -- v. to assume the lying-on-his-back-with-bent-paws posture, indicating that a dog wants his belly scratched (this posture makes a dog's face look like a bat's, and, when maintained more than momentarily, usually leads to a sneeze).
- Roo-Do Monster -- n. a dog in the aforementioned posture
- Roo-Do Rudder -- n. a dog's tail, ditto
- Wagger-Counter -- n. a dog's tail, wagging faster the nearer his Master approaches
- Dog Torch -- n. a dog's tail, lighting up, as it does, the lives of those around him
- Master Alarm -- n. a dog's bark, when his Master's car pulls into his driveway
- Poop Dance -- n. a dog's practice of running around the yard in ever tighter concentric circles prior to leaving a deposit
- Dog Isometrics -- n. a dog's habit of sleeping with his forepaws braced against a piece of furniture
- Resi-do -- n. a dog in residence
- In Do Time -- adv. all times are do times!
- Blibula -- n. the spot on a dog's stomach which, when rubbed, causes his leg to rotate wildly (courtesy of Sniglets)
- Schnuffel -- n. a dog's practice of continuously nuzzling your crotch in mixed company (courtesy of Sniglets)
- Pupkus -- n. the moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it (courtesy of Sniglets)
Dog Versions of Scripture
- "Now we see through a kennel darkly, but then muzzle to muzzle."
- "I am furfully and wonderfully made."
- "I will not let thee go, except thou pet me."
- "Whoso diggeth a pit shall hide a ball therein."
- "I can dig; to beg I am not ashamed."
- And my favourite Scripture, unaltered from the original: "The dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their Master's table."
Dog Versions of Shakespeare
- "Thereby hangs a tail."
- "To pee or not to pee: that is the question."
- "I do not bite my rump at you, sir, but I do bite my rump, sir."
- "Out, damned Spot!"
- "O dog kiss sweetly urg'd! Give me my lick again."
THE HOUSE OF THE SWIPING TONGUE
(to the tune of The House of the Rising Sun)
There is a dog in Bearish Hall,
We call him Strider Grond,
And he's been the comfort of many a poor Mom --
His tongue's a magic wand.
His mother is a Sailer,
Picks his jerky treats;
His father is a Boeing man
Who pays for what he eats.
Now the only thing a good dog needs
Is to be his Master's pet,
And the only time that he'll be satisfied
Is dogging his Master's steps.
There is a dog . . .
STRIDER'S ON THE FLOOR
(to the tune of Riders on the Storm, by the Doors)
Strider's on the floor,
Strider's on the floor,
He's browner than before,
He's chocolate to the core.
With a dog beside my bed
I hear music in my head,
When Strider's on the floor.
There's a canine in the car,
And he's going to travel far.
We'll take him to the lake
And watch his wet fur shake.
If we give this dog a ride
He'll be always at our side.
There's a canine in the car.
Girl, you gotta love your pet,
Girl, you gotta love your pet,
Take him to the vet,
Put yourself in debt.
A dog on you depends
Whose kisses never end.
You gotta love your pet.
Strider's on the floor. . . .
ODE TO DOG
(to the tune of Ode to Joy)
Joyful, joyful we adore him
He's a chocolate Labrador
We save all our dog love for him
For he knows what dogs are for.
Strider's fur is very soft
He is the softest dog we've known
He loves to hold his tail aloft
He loves to chew his nylabone.
STRIDER OF THE LAST BARK
(to the tune of the Indiana Jones' Raider's March)
He's a do-pup, he's a dogger-do
On his bone he likes to chew
He's our Strider, car-rider
A most excitable dog
He likes to poop on his daily walk
Round the loop, cats he gaily stalks
He likes to snoop all around the block
Do do do do-do-do do do-do-do do do-do do
(etc.-- finish out tune with 'do's)
Things That Have to be Spelled Out in My Presence to Keep Me from Going Ballistic
- R-I-D-E in the C-A-R
- I am a member of the family, and therefore am not banished to the yard when my people are dining.
- However, any guest who feeds me table food must sit next to me (phew!) for the rest of the evening.
- Exceptions to the table food rule are grapes, and remnants adhering to butter wrappers and to macaroni and cheese dishes.
Favourite Dog Quotes
- " . . . a door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of." -- Ogden Nash
- "A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perserverance, and to turn around three times before lying down." -- Robert Benchley
- "Charley likes to get up early, and he likes me to get up early too. And why shouldn't he? Right after his breakfast he goes back to sleep."-- John Steinbeck
- An angel at St. Peter's gate, to a man seeking admittance: "If you don't mind throwing tennis balls for eternity, I do have an opening in doggie heaven." -- Frank and Ernest comic strip
- A quote about a cat, which might have been written about a dog: "For he will do/ As he do do/ And there's no doing anything about it!" -- T. S. Eliot
- "Shall I drink from the toilet? Do I dare steal from the plate?" -- Takeoff on Eliot's The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock, with thanks to the unknown author.
- "J'embrasse mon chien sur la bouche!" (I kiss my dog on the mouth.)
- "Bone Appetit," above a dog sitting on a chair at a cafe table (from The Park Bench Cafe, a restaurant in Huntington Beach Central Park which caters to both dogs and their people).
- Something Licked This Way Comes
- Pup Friction
- Strider, Strider Burning Bright ("Did He who made the cat make thee?")
- Romance of the Nose
Favourite Musical Piece
- The Bark Ascending (by Ruff Vaughan Williams)
- A Tail of One Puppy, by Snarls Lickens (Chapter 1: "It was the best of dogs." The End)
Favourite Places to Do
Favourite Non-Food Objects
- tennis balls
- buttons (I like to click my teeth on them, sometimes doing irretrievable damage to the clothing they are attached to)
- the Master's shoes (I have been known to nap with my nose lodged inside one of them)
HOW CAN YOU EVEN ASK? THE MASTER, OF COURSE!
I would like to hear from you other dogs out there. E-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
To read more about me and my people, visit the page of my home, Bearish Hall.
Return to our home page, Sangreal.